Here I Am

sufey

In Personal, Read Posted

Two weeks ago, my life exploded before my eyes.

I lost control of my bike, smashed full-speed into a wall, and crumpled onto the street. I hit my vulva on the crossbar as I crashed, which led to an 8×8 cm hematoma on my right labia (as discovered later).

Pain crushed my body.
Terror choked my mind.

In that instant, I was desperate for life. Pitiful prayers to a higher power wrestled a wretched fear in my head. I’m not ready to go, I thought. Please. Let me do better.

The days that followed were a blur of hospital visits and severe anxiety. I lashed out emotionally. I was clouded with anger and a throbbing reminder of the things I was no longer capable of. Like sitting. Or peeing. Or fending for myself.

The doctors said it would take a few months to fully heal.
And thus began the longest vacation of my life.

I’m learning that life is never going to be comfortable. It’s not supposed to be easy. No matter how much we plan and prepare, there will always be challenges, roadblocks, ambushes and pitfalls.

You can fail even if you’re playing it safe.

So I say fuck it and follow bliss. Again and again. When I die, I want to be covered in dirt and scars and drenched in tears. I want to have traipsed the world and built an empire and watched it collapse and built another. I want to fight. I want to be worn, used and fully spent, consumed by the fires of a deep and blazing love. I want to say I’ve been true to my heart. I want to say I’ve given it my best shot. My all.

And so here I am.

Big changes are coming again.

31 Comments

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  • Mary Strong-Spaid
    June 24, 2014 at 11:40 AM

    Hang in there!
    You are absolutely right. If you never do anything, there is less chance of getting hurt. But then, what kind of life is that?
    I have difficulty sitting also. Damaged pudendal nerve…..same general area. I’m waiting (hoping) for it to get better. Frustrating. Painful. I bought a kneeling chair. It kind of helps. Easier to just stand and type though.

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 25, 2014 at 10:26 PM

      Thank you, dear Mary! Life is absolutely meant to be lived. Wishing you ease as well β€” I feel your pain!

  • utesmile
    June 24, 2014 at 11:47 AM

    Sufey, I do hope it will be healing well and fast. Yay I agree… follow bliss and give it your all! Go for it… I do too! All the best!β™₯

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 25, 2014 at 10:26 PM

      Oh, Ute, I hope so soon! Thank you for your sweet thoughts. I’m always grateful.

  • Donna
    June 24, 2014 at 11:49 AM

    Great attitude, I wish for just the same but I also wish you a speedy and pain free recovery πŸ™‚

  • gruundehn
    June 24, 2014 at 1:59 PM

    One of the reasons for events such as this is that this will scrape away some of the loose dirt and get you down to bedrock so that you can build on a firm foundation. Compare the house built on sand (our normal life) and the house built on rock (our life after the sand is washed away) in the New Testament.

  • gruundehn
    June 24, 2014 at 1:59 PM

    OH, PS: I hope you recover well.

  • Ray Laskowitz
    June 24, 2014 at 5:14 PM

    So sorry for your pain. Moving forward is always a good idea, but as a wise man once told me “don’t lead with your chin.”

  • The Lu Life
    June 24, 2014 at 7:23 PM

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all that pain! But I really hope you are getting better quickly! And you’re right, give it your all!!!

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 25, 2014 at 10:29 PM

      Oh, it’s been awful and brilliant at the same time. All that happens is meant to be β€” thank you my dear!

  • Gallivanta
    June 24, 2014 at 10:17 PM

    Oh my! and Ouch! and that was a “no good horrible very bad day”. Sending you warm wishes and lots of healing power and patience and bliss. Be well.

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 25, 2014 at 10:29 PM

      Yes, one of those! But we need the pain to appreciate the joy as well. Much love!

  • Leya
    June 25, 2014 at 2:29 AM

    Oh, may you repair quickly anyway, feel good and conquer whatever you want!

  • Veronica
    June 25, 2014 at 10:27 AM

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you, Sufey! But you will come back stronger because of it and a see the world through different eyes. xoxo

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 25, 2014 at 10:30 PM

      Thank you, Veronica! Yes, yes. It has been wonderfully eye-opening.

  • Elisa
    June 25, 2014 at 1:05 PM

    What a powerful message you’re giving! You sound so strong and even though your body might be in pain your mind is in great shape!! Hope you recover soon! x

  • Madhu
    June 26, 2014 at 8:28 AM

    Love your spirit!! Hope your are feling better already πŸ™‚

  • Rick Lone Wolf Bieniak
    June 26, 2014 at 9:05 AM

    Hello, Sufey. I send you my love and I hope you feel better soon. I had been wondering why I hadn’t seen your post in a while. Now I understand. Thank you for telling us what happened. I hope you completely heal soon. I think that the beautiful way you live your life will help you heal quickly. Sufey, the world is a better place with you in it. You’re a beautiful woman in all ways. Your posts and presence are a blessing in my life. Take care…

  • kenthinksaloud
    June 26, 2014 at 3:27 PM

    Oh my goodness – shocked to read this Sufey! How horrible this happened but what a fantastic attitude you have. If you’re ever in the UK please come and rest with us and take some time out. I hope you’re resting properly now and recovering fast πŸ™‚

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      June 28, 2014 at 9:56 PM

      Oh, I will absolutely! Thank you for the offerβ€” I’d love to visit one day. <3

      • kenthinksaloud
        June 29, 2014 at 6:49 AM

        Any time – my family and I would love to put you up πŸ™‚

  • Sue Dreamwalker
    July 4, 2014 at 8:20 AM

    I am so pleased to be reading these posts backwards so I know your recovery was well… How painful an ordeal for you… Each stumble leads us to the places and people we are meant to discover.. I am so pleased all is well in your world. Sue

    • sufey (@SufeyChen)
      July 4, 2014 at 8:52 AM

      Yes, everything happens for a (beautiful) reason. It’s been an intense and amazing learning processβ€” I am very grateful for all that has happened.

      • Sue Dreamwalker
        July 4, 2014 at 8:59 AM

        And that dear Sufey is why your spirit shines… as you see that all things have purpose.. πŸ™‚ xxx